「她沒有過的不好，只是現在靈魂有點不健康」

「別把自己想得太偉大了。」

我覺得我快要不能呼吸了。那個凌晨我從床上坐起沒有辦法入眠，全身安靜地顫抖混合著眼淚。
孤獨和沮喪，暫時性的，持續好一陣子的，侵蝕性的，將我的肉體逐步分解成最小的分子。

「最後會化成灰燼吧」，我想。

Chang (1985-2011)


幸好在全然分解消失以前那洪水總是沈不住氣地向某些地方滲透。那個中午當她提起她與另一個朋友的對話，「你啊，」簡單的說，「沒有過的不好，只是現在靈魂有點不健康，不是我們以前認識的那個人」。

所以其實結論是，「別把自己想得太偉大了。」

當慢跑時還可以一邊流汗，一邊想著「如果活著都不知道為了什麼，那維持健康的意義何在？」其實事情沒有這麼複雜，人生也沒有多麼了不起，「不需要太多理由的」。

這種說法好像也沒有辦法讓我有足夠的勇氣繼續呼吸，不過先前跳動的很勉強的心臟，好像也照樣地慢速地，不太情願的跳，一如往常。

下個禮拜去心臟內科掛個號好了。

How to tell if your cat attempts to murder you?

1. giving you a massage (it's actually to examine the weakness of your organs)

2. after using the litter tray, it messes all over (he's practicing how to properly BURY YOUR BODY)

3. eye contact: don't try to avoid looking at him in the eye, it's a sign of loser, meaning he'll attack you right after that

4. bring you dead animal: that's a WARNING, not a gift

5. plucking the grass: through the painful ritual of purification, he's preparing himself the battle against you

(to be continued)

挪威的森林 Norwegian Wood

Reading Haruki Murakami's works, I'd say, is more like a fashion rather than pure enjoyment of literature. This fact has remained unchanged for years. After its debut in the 90s, 20 years have gone by, and his name and works somehow generalised into a symbol, once of the rebel generation, and then turning into taste related to sort of elite bohemian lifestyle, finally popularised into a NAME that stands for light and pointless sentiment. You read it, then you write like him, and eventually you live like it. That's sort of devastating.

I guess that's why I wasn't that interested in it years ago after reading a few pages of one of his short novels.
Until weeks ago, a friend of mine describe how the novel touches his heart. A short and simple sentence on the book jacket caught my eyes:

"Death is not the opposite of life, but a part of it." 

That's enough for me to grab the book and spend entire Saturday afternoon and another Sunday night on it. I've been confused and disturbed weeks after my ant's death. When she was in the hospital, treated for cancer, and her family was told it was the terminal stage months ago, I had never thought things would get worse so fast. I did not expect anything so strong, so emotional, so uncontrollable like this. Death.

I need answers and probably someone who understands. The later is easier. I found warmth in Haruki's indifferent coldness, like a cup of cocoa in a snowy winter day, giving you quick warm-up though it doesn't change anything at all.

Haruki once said some readers reckon it disappointing when they found out that it was actually 'just a love story'. Some other suggest it was actually a self-portrayed novel.

I find the detachment and penetrating tone is somehow soothing nonetheless. It simply tells a story of a life, though particular and peculiar, stolid and quietly depressed, yet its sentiment and sensation overwhelm.

The Pains of Being Pure at Heart - "The Body"

The body

Come on now stop staring at the ceiling
Your last daydream is slowly unreeling
Won’t you come out tonight, like I know you want to
cuz the city’s alive and even though it haunts you, I want you

To tell me again what the body’s for
cuz I can’t feel it anymore
I want to hurt like it did before
We shouldn’t sin

Tell me again what the body’s for
cuz I can’t feel it anymore
I lost mine and I need yours,
It’s only skin, we could swim

You try so hard to keep it together,
and you look so hard in fishnets and leather
But I know who you are, you are just a lost saint
And if we go too far, there’ll be heaven to pay
and what a price…

I can’t feel it anymore, tell me again what the body’s for
I can’t feel it anymore, tell me again it’s only skin, we should swim

---

I don’t wanna be ok

「在這個不坦率的世界，真誠的人都被當成笨蛋。」

「但是怎麼辦，我還是如此相信絕對。」 

‘It’s alright to be not ok.’

Tizzy Bac - 俄羅斯輪盤 MV (by tizzybacvideo)

作詞：陳惠婷
作曲：Tizzy Bac

I don’t wanna be ok 所以離我遠一點
反正我也受夠這世界
早就知道不應該 偏要痛了才學乖
我們為何沒人能例外

以為真心擁有過 常常都只是搞錯
賭上真實的自我 自己造孽自己受

如果忘了你是誰 也許比較好一點
美夢清醒的瞬間 只剩下 我的心碎 和你的狼狽

會痛 沒什麼 這點苦我還能夠
只是我現在不明所以
落單 沒什麼 好過找錯人寄託
只是我現在有點兒Lonely
有一點Lonely

I don’t wanna be ok 不能就只是ok
我曾相信這世上有絕對
美好往事多可愛 壞掉的就隨風散
可我要怎麼給自己交代

以為真心擁有過 常常都只是搞錯
賭上真實的自我 自己造孽自己受

如果可以都不算 也不曾有你的陪伴
是否就能夠避開 這尷尬的殘酷毀滅 也不用妥協
畢竟錯加錯 不會變成對

賤事 我很多 這點苦不算什麼
只是我現在不明所以
落單 沒什麼 好過找錯人寄託
只是我現在覺得Lonely
會不會來不及？
真的好Lonely

愛過 沒有錯 我為人人沒什麼
只是我現在覺得不公平（ hey hey hey !）
滯銷 沒什麼 好過送錯人寄託
只是我現在覺得Lonely

不屬於的時候 該放手的就放手
只是我現在 只是我現在 只是我現在
只想耍賴…

I don’t wanna be ok 所以離我遠一點
反正我也受夠這世界！