How to tell if your cat attempts to murder you?

1. giving you a massage (it's actually to examine the weakness of your organs)

2. after using the litter tray, it messes all over (he's practicing how to properly BURY YOUR BODY)

3. eye contact: don't try to avoid looking at him in the eye, it's a sign of loser, meaning he'll attack you right after that

4. bring you dead animal: that's a WARNING, not a gift

5. plucking the grass: through the painful ritual of purification, he's preparing himself the battle against you

(to be continued)