Monday, 1 August 2011

後記

她離開後還不到四十九天,我的生活照著正常的轉速運作,不過在某些時候還是隱隱覺得哀傷。我們都是。

可能,因為迅速地恢復了正常而感到哀傷也說不定。

我們分別在不同的時刻談起她,不經意地,片段殘缺地。倒也不是什麼樣的激動情緒,大抵是五毫克的淚在眼眶裡打轉那樣子的程度。

也許這就是她活在這個世界的方式吧,比較無痛的那種。至少我是這麼想的。

像是那種排山倒海般湧上的悲傷偶爾還是有的,對我來說必須是某些被提醒的時刻,特別是那些老梗式的生離死別電影片段對我來說特別有用,那些獨自面對死亡的惶恐焦慮和自以為被遺棄者的荒謬錯覺。

'We've never left.'

像這樣子的夢也是有的,我覺得很幸運,甚至因為這樣而有些沾沾自喜。夢裡她和大家一起,模糊地我還是可以感受到她的溫柔微笑。

就像她從未來離開一樣,這樣如浮光略影般的暖橘色夢境讓我安心而自在。

就像她從未來離開一樣。




49 days have not yet pass after she left. That's a folklore belief of the timing that the dead left this world. I wonder where she is now, constantly. My life goes back to normal rather fast, as if there's no time for grieving, no need for hesitation or any heartbreaking statement. I felt sad from time to time. All of us do.

It's probably because of the normality of everyday life that make us sad.

We talked about her, sometimes. I guess that the way she lives. 'We've never left. We're always here, in your mind.'

Cliche, but it explains a lot.

When I thought of her, most of the time I felt sad and then confused by my own sorrow. I wonder if it was grief of 'she's not here anymore', or simply self pity of being deserted. It remains unanswered for quite a while.

She was in my dream once. All I remember after I woke up is her weak smile. She's sitting in a chair with everyone. She's there, right there. And this fact, though lasting for a really short moment, makes me feel secure. As if she's never left.
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