insurance of what?

"If I Die Young"

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I'll shine down on my mother
She'll know I'm safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh well
Life ain't always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain't even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

And I'll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I'm as green as the ring on my little cold finger,
I've never known the lovin' of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holdin' my hand,
There's a boy here in town, says he'll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by

The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I'll sell 'em for a dollar
They're worth so much more after I'm a goner
And maybe then you'll hear the words I been singin'
Funny when you're dead how people start listenin'

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a bed of roses
Sink me in the river at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (oh, uh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep 'em in your pocket
Save 'em for a time when you're really gonna need 'em, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I've had just enough time

So put on your best boys and I'll wear my pearls

It's been annoying to say no to the insurance seller, especially when she's a friend. She was my English tutor when I was in college. She's very nice as a friend, yet rather aggressive as an insurance seller. What actually annoys me is actually not her manner but the nature of insurance itself. Those companies would brainwash their sellers, telling them that they're helping people to get prepared for the future. That's a lie.

They're selling fear. Simple as that. 

前度

我沒有特意去數日子，掐指一算，大概有將近四年了吧。四年。

四年可以改變的事情很多，不過人的個性大抵是那個樣子，都說了本性難移。好在都過去了的事這說長不長說短不短的時間倒是可以雲淡風輕水無痕，至少我是這麼想的，所以特別平靜，幾乎可以說是不帶著情緒。

原諒我沒辦法像是見到老朋友一般寒暄敘舊話家常。

回想起來我面對過去也是這樣的態度啊，冷冷淡淡的，看似清靜不擾於心，從另一個角度看，也像是束手無策，對不堪的過去和歷史都是這般無奈但是藏不住想要詮釋的蠢蠢欲動之心。

在我看來他就像是裝著過去那段日子的盒子，我沒有習慣時不時找出來回憶懷舊，偶爾看到了也沒有特別想要打開來，現在就像無意之間撞到了什麼，盒子裡的東西掉出來散落滿地一般。

過去就是過去，不會變哪，不論過多久。

令人驚訝的是，我居然還奢望，也許，再打開這個盒子的時候，會出現什麼不同。

背包

我記得陳奕迅好像有首跟背包有關的歌，想不起來歌詞，大抵是跟人生的情感包袱有關一類的事兒吧。

為了找出post-it和一支筆寫下剛剛查到的圖書館書籍編號，翻找了手邊的包，才發現裡面真是凌亂的可以，我不禁苦笑。

找不到筆，除了那個被我拿來裝電腦的破爛夾子和圍巾，只見牙刷、幾個散落的銅板、戲票還有幾根樹枝。

我到底過著什麼生活啊？真不是普通的一團混亂。

slowly turn

週日晚上坐在路邊吃著剛從台北火車站買來的水煎包，熱辣的我嘴唇發燙。來往的車水馬龍從左到右，衝向某一個或多個方向。owl city已經變成老歌的fireflies說有時候真的很難相信地球正在慢慢轉動。以每秒0.46公里的速度，每個人都在移動。而且還沒有聲音。creepy.

回台北的車上我將手機的錯誤日期調了過來，28日，今天是週日，不是週日。所以昨天已經完全的結束。

時間不可逆，不會重來，也不會倒退。


就跟人與人之間的情感和曾經有過的信任一樣，在緩慢龐大的時空移動下，破碎的髒污的腐壞的發餿的我想要修補的，都一樣回不去。

那些昨天。

perfume

My sister's back from Canada, finally.

She was unpacking and sorting all the stuff in her closet. "Did you take away my Kate Moss perfume?'

"I did." I made a face, out of a tiny little bit of guilt that I took the liberty of using it while she's away.

"It smell good and sexy, doesn't it?" she seemed to be quite all right with what I've done. That's strange. We used to get into a tiff or miff every time we're in this kind of situation.

"I think it suits single lady perfectly",  she replied with a sweet smile. "Keep it. I don't need it anyway." .


Was I just patronised?

Fun Do Bookstore

Another little independent bookstore near the university is closing down. The last open day is 11th Aug, this Sat. The poster says that they can no longer afford to run the bookstore for the rising rent and decreasing book buyers.
Years ago when my mother and I were strolling around the neighborhood after dinner, I suggested to go to a bookstore nearby.

"No. I don't have my purse with me," she said."That's quite alright," I don't think it a convincing reason not to pay a visit. "We could just hanging around there".

"No. I've got to take some books home every time I go to a bookstore," she insisted. "Otherwise they're gonna be out of business". 

What she did not tell is that, this would break her heart. Until today she still thinks to certain extent she shares responsibility of the closing down of "New Schoolmate Bookstore" nearby.

I'm just a poor student so I don't 'invest' into book business like mother does. All I do is borrowing books from the library instead of taking them home. However watching bookstores one by one shutting down their business breaks my heat as well. 

It pains me to imagine a city without bookstore.

台大後門那家「販讀」要關門了，就在8月11日，這個週末。他們說因為成本不敷考量，所以無法再撐下去了。

我想起以前跟張媽媽吃飽飯後一起散步時的對話。「諾貝爾書店就在附近，我們去看書好不好？」張媽媽說：「不行，我沒有帶錢包出門

。」「沒關係啊，去看看書就好。」

「不行，去書店一定要買書，要不然他們會倒。」張媽媽堅持道。

他沒說的是，書店倒了以後她會很傷心，就像多年前崇德路上的新學友

，直到現在她還是覺得新學友做不下去他有一點責任。

我比較窮，相對比較沒有責任感（？），但是無論如何，看著書店關門真的很令人傷心啊。

The best of us

The best of us can always find happiness in misery.

I really like the lyric from the Fall Out Boys' 'I don't care'.

It says a little bit about me. I can always find happiness in my own misery. I guess I am very much like a child in this light, for kids have no idea what misery is, all they do is try to have fun even when they don't really enjoy what they're undergoing or something annoying.

I'm in the middle of preparing the GRE so I spend most of time studying in the library. I'm prepare on my own and I don't have a comrade. Sometimes I don't have to talk to anyone other then the buffet clerk and my roommates. I have to admit loneliness is killing me at some moment. But it's alright. When having my lunching and dinner alone in the university refectory, I imagine myself invisible and then just observe the crowd and find someone particular and then start to fabricate stories for them.

The logical reasoning of the GRE is pretty troublesome. I find it rather depressing at the very beginning, but then I began to find pleasure in those readings. I could be an investigator in the cases! Although they're not as fun and thrilling as homicide or gun fight, I am happy to be the 'truth digger', revealing the ulterior intentions of the venal companies or reputing the prejudiced surveys conducted by the interest groups, struggling on behalf of the justice and order.

Another important part of GRE is its writing. It takes me a long time to get know that one has to be equipped a wide range of common sense and background knowledge to write a 6 score (the highest) essay around 1000 word count. For a non-native speaker like me, to be use impeccable wording without grammatical errors is a challenge in the first place, let along langue facility. Nevertheless, I still tried to find happiness in the painstaking task. After reading a couple of sample essays, I felt like I'm taking lessons to 'fight with pen'. The 'fallacy in argument' sections, in particular, makes me more aware of the understated assumption or unconvincing correlation behind every specious contention. This feels cool! Either in English or Chinese, I find it beneficial. As if I trained my self against evil with the super power of spotting the unusual.

As a history student, math is pain in the ass. Nine out ten history major would tell you they chose to study history because they're not good at calculating and geometry and algebra and that sort of vexing stuff. Even though I'm a 'supposedly-good-at-math' East Asian, and everyone in this country would tell you 'GRE math is so easy that you don't even bother waste time preparing for it', I got dispirited by the results constantly. So I started from scratch. It turned out to be not as hard and tough as I expected. And learning things that I used to know in a new way is rather fun.

I guess I just enjoy learning new things or pick up interesting stuff on the way, easily got inspired by others' ideas, and I take every challenge as a game.

See? I can always find happiness in misery. That's what keeps me going on.

讓我一醒來就流淚的曾太太

今天早上醒來，喉嚨好痛。打開臉書，我的大學好友說，她剛剛戴上戒指，準備成為曾太太了。


我好開心，忍不住激動得哭了。
曾經看著她戀愛、失戀痛哭、難以割捨、在愛情前猶豫、再度陷入愛情、幸福、兩個人一起規劃未來。


看著這麼好的女孩經歷這些，我也曾經跟著她難過、氣憤、擔心。那男孩出現後，我慢慢確定她被好好的呵護著、疼惜著，我想我可以相信那傢伙。


我愛你，好姐妹。我為你開心。

wedding photos

昨天和今天的三十八度八快要灼燒我的眼球。

參與拍婚紗是一件很奇妙的事情。不知道從什麼時候開始可以每週在臉書上看到的不同場景的不同姿勢的不同色彩的朋友的朋友的婚紗照，那像是形式化的過程在我的好朋友身上，我看到幸福。即使是三十八度的高溫下依然可以相視而笑的幸福。真好。

好熱。

昨天晚上睡前傳了個簡訊給我的室友，告訴她我很希望可以看到她幸福的穿白紗的樣子。人生苦短，我希望看到她多數的時間是幸福的不是忍耐着硬撐著的。

今天在圖書館遇到雅文，剛剛恢復單身的她說她會努力在一年內閃婚，我說好吧可是我怕地點不在台灣我參加不到。好吧無論在哪裡我都會到。她穿婚紗的樣子不知道為什麼不會難想象。她血液裡本來就有貴族的養分。

上嘉的話可能會被那一層一層的裙子淹沒。

艾爸何時跟芷寧結婚呢？我也很期待。

I take it as a privilege to become part of the wedding photo shooting of my friend Vivian. Although the weather is unbearably scorching and sultry. 38.8 degrees under cloudless sky. 

To be honost, I was rather cynical and, probably a bit acidulous about her marriage at first. I guess I was just afraid that I might lose one of my best friends forever. 

But all my doubts casted away when I saw their happy face during the photo shooting. Despite the hot weather, tiers of wedding gown and restless posing, they could just smile, effortlessly, at each other. 

I am happy, with all my heart, for her,

secularisation

早上的胃口比以往還要差很多，大概是幾個月沒有安穩睡覺的關係。

以緩慢速度進食的時候，我想起前天我們徹夜聊天的晚上，我感覺像是找回了一個曾經陌生的好友，同時也有點不安。

我說，工作的這兩年，在我身上有很深的影響，有好有壞。

簡單來說，我變得比較像個人。

比起專注於道理，我似乎投入更多心力在把事情完成，過程中也得同入更多的力氣在各種人的情緒，自己那些多餘的情緒，還有身邊的人的情緒。

「處理好事情之前，得處理好別人的情緒，處理好別人的情緒之前，得處理好自己的情緒」。我時時提醒自己。

「如果你工作兩年學到最重要的道理就是這個，那真的很不好」我記得我們艾爸爸如是說。

「但實際上這就是世界運作的方式啊。」她說。

收拾了求學時期對真理的固執和強硬，開始去想像，當我無奈地認為「為什麼大家不好好把事情做好就好了呢」的時候，每一個背後的想法。我告訴自己不能去合理化那些似是而非的想法，但是也不能因為不認同就當做那些考慮不存在，如果我真的想把事情完成的話，我得站在他們的立場。

而立場也不是只有善與惡這兩種分別，有太多灰色地帶（而顯然這些絕對不是純白色）。

同時我也發現，快樂真的很難。雖然快樂不應該是終極的追求，但是這世界上絕大多數的人是無法深刻思考對錯，甚至無法追求理性的價值判斷的。如果是這樣的話，我更希望他們快樂地活著。


這些都是讓我更像一個人的原因。世俗化，大眾化，對自己的平凡也開始淡然。那是遠離了上帝的靈魂。


好的方面是，也許我更貼近他們的真實人生，也許我更瞭解這個世界的實際運作方式。
壞的方面是，我變得不純粹。而且我找不回來那個純粹的我，對於不公正不公義沒道理的事情會忿忿不平的我。


而且更糟糕的是，我居然保留了尖酸刻薄的個性，那些失控的不滿的忌妒的失落的，更加欲蓋彌彰。

GRE

NO, THIS IS NOT A ARTICLE ABOUT "HOW TO STUDY GRE".
I am just grumbling. 

There's a fine line between perseverance and obduracy.

 And apparently I live in the confusion of the two. by Yi

Studying for GRE is a total nightmare. When I started to memorize the vocabulary by sorting and collecting all the related ones, I actually thought it was fun. It's a bit quirky but I do enjoy learning new vocabulary and I take this as a good chance to learn English in a new light. But then here comes the real test. I felt so despondent after failing series of questions...


I feel like I am back in the 18-years-old days, but in a miserable way. That was the days when I spend more than 8 hours in the class, another 8 hours on taking all kinds of exams and tests. It's painful, hideous and becoming daily grind.


It's ironic that the first vocabulary on the GRE word book is "ABANDON". I am on the edge of giving it up every day. But somehow I manage to get myself back in to the game. No one says life's easy. 


I am obdurate in many ways. I chose to take GRE, study oversea European history, and, apply for a PhD regardless of my diffidence of ability and uncertainty of the prospect of future academic life.


Great, now I'm applying the GRE vocabulary in my writing! How good is that! Now I see why there are so many blogs and sites about personal experience of preparing GRE. It takes so much effort and cause so much frustration that it becomes indelible in one's life. 

Sherlock

This is probably the only comfort in my uneventful life lately.

sherlock holmes

obviously.

李獻計歷險記

New title, old life

I quit last months. The reason is simple and clear: I need time to prepare my application and a full-time job just won't do it. So after clearing up the mess, completing the process of resigning, I took a few days off in Taichung and then, restarted the old life as a student (I wish I can call myself an independent researcher...), and a tutor!

Everyone loves student life. Being a student somehow means being young and free, bunches of time to do whatever you like to do. That would be exactly what I felt in the very first five minutes stepping into the lib and picking up the books which I should have finishing reading months ago.

Then here comes a surge of panic. A couple of days being unwell and sleepless. Then I got to know that it is the pressure of being jobless, without identity and money.

Luckily I always find a way to deal with it. Negative feeling usually won't last for a long time and I move on, even though I have not yet get rid of the ugly truth of uncertainty of an academic career for the rest of my life.

And I finally got a tutor offer to pay the rent! That's a good start. Now I have to work harder on my proposal and have a more specific plan and stop mumbling here.

加油！I can do it!

she's in love

稍早接到我妹的電話，我想她的春天已經來了。

死都不想跟我承認現在正在談戀愛的原因是因為她姊姊大概會把這件事昭告天下。她的考量果然是正確的，正有此意。

就像看到臉書上那些貼著結婚喜訊、分享婚紗、喜帖一切的女朋友們一樣的心情，看著自己的妹妹開開心心的沈浸在愛河中，很愉快。

不過戀愛中的人真的很容易不小心閃到人。

中午才跟她抱怨肚子餓要掛了電話去買午餐。她忍不住甜蜜蜜的說「喔，你要出去買午餐啊？他等一下會煮給我吃。」

damn it. 

If you break her heart, I'll break your legs. 

台北台北

對這個城市我有很複雜的感受，不僅僅是認同的問題。

從台北到倫敦，再回到台北，我想我可能一輩子離不開大城市。沒什麼好沒什麼不好。

即使我在台中出生，住過短暫兩個月的新竹，五年的大學生活和這一年多來開始工作後的日子，衣著的風格、講話的方式、思考的邏輯、走路的速度、生活方式的安排，都是台北的。

即使如此，我還是，徹頭徹尾地，台北異鄉人。每天每天學習著、習慣著、培養著、累積著在台北生活的姿態。


我想著在都市生活其實是一種姿態，帶著傲慢自恃的那種，city dwellers老早就拋開國界，用城市與城市之間的距離去度量世界。即使台北不過就是世界上某個發著微光的角落而已，即使聞不到紐約的自由味兒、倫敦的歷史味兒、東京清爽的古怪味兒，作為一個城市，他還是有一種味道。

在台北，那味道是雨後坑坑巴巴柏油路的、慘綠油油行道樹的、發霉邊緣的，味道。

in memory of the 7th or 8th years as a Taipeier

my sister

從那寒冷北國加拿大Whistler 打來的越洋電話是這樣的：

「姊，怎麼辦？他真的好好，我擔心以後再也遇不到對我這樣好的男生了…」

有什麼怎麼辦。事情哪裡有這麼複雜？不過就是台灣人日本人在陌生的國家戀愛了但只有一年期限這樣子的小小問題而已。


「就像吃到了那種會讓你忍不住有『怎麼辦以後再也吃不到』感覺的料理一樣……」


看樣子很嚴重哪。

the missing half

It took me quite a while to go back from the parking lot to the office for the lost glove.

Again, I never found it. Probably dropped on the way, somewhere.

Sometimes I really hate paired-up things, gloves, socks, and, gloves. I guess I have more than 5 gloves which the other half is lost. I felt sad when I look at them.

As if the existence of the left ones is a mistake.