早上的胃口比以往還要差很多，大概是幾個月沒有安穩睡覺的關係。
以緩慢速度進食的時候，我想起前天我們徹夜聊天的晚上，我感覺像是找回了一個曾經陌生的好友，同時也有點不安。
我說，工作的這兩年，在我身上有很深的影響，有好有壞。
簡單來說，我變得比較像個人。
比起專注於道理，我似乎投入更多心力在把事情完成，過程中也得同入更多的力氣在各種人的情緒，自己那些多餘的情緒，還有身邊的人的情緒。
「處理好事情之前，得處理好別人的情緒，處理好別人的情緒之前，得處理好自己的情緒」。我時時提醒自己。
「如果你工作兩年學到最重要的道理就是這個，那真的很不好」我記得我們艾爸爸如是說。
「但實際上這就是世界運作的方式啊。」她說。
收拾了求學時期對真理的固執和強硬，開始去想像，當我無奈地認為「為什麼大家不好好把事情做好就好了呢」的時候，每一個背後的想法。我告訴自己不能去合理化那些似是而非的想法，但是也不能因為不認同就當做那些考慮不存在，如果我真的想把事情完成的話，我得站在他們的立場。
而立場也不是只有善與惡這兩種分別，有太多灰色地帶（而顯然這些絕對不是純白色）。
同時我也發現，快樂真的很難。雖然快樂不應該是終極的追求，但是這世界上絕大多數的人是無法深刻思考對錯，甚至無法追求理性的價值判斷的。如果是這樣的話，我更希望他們快樂地活著。
這些都是讓我更像一個人的原因。世俗化，大眾化，對自己的平凡也開始淡然。那是遠離了上帝的靈魂。
好的方面是，也許我更貼近他們的真實人生，也許我更瞭解這個世界的實際運作方式。
壞的方面是，我變得不純粹。而且我找不回來那個純粹的我，對於不公正不公義沒道理的事情會忿忿不平的我。
而且更糟糕的是，我居然保留了尖酸刻薄的個性，那些失控的不滿的忌妒的失落的，更加欲蓋彌彰。
Thursday 28 June 2012
Monday 25 June 2012
GRE
NO, THIS IS NOT A ARTICLE ABOUT "HOW TO STUDY GRE".
I am just grumbling.
There's a fine line between perseverance and obduracy.
And apparently I live in the confusion of the two. by Yi
Studying for GRE is a total nightmare. When I started to memorize the vocabulary by sorting and collecting all the related ones, I actually thought it was fun. It's a bit quirky but I do enjoy learning new vocabulary and I take this as a good chance to learn English in a new light. But then here comes the real test. I felt so despondent after failing series of questions...
I feel like I am back in the 18-years-old days, but in a miserable way. That was the days when I spend more than 8 hours in the class, another 8 hours on taking all kinds of exams and tests. It's painful, hideous and becoming daily grind.
It's ironic that the first vocabulary on the GRE word book is "ABANDON". I am on the edge of giving it up every day. But somehow I manage to get myself back in to the game. No one says life's easy.
I am obdurate in many ways. I chose to take GRE, study oversea European history, and, apply for a PhD regardless of my diffidence of ability and uncertainty of the prospect of future academic life.
Great, now I'm applying the GRE vocabulary in my writing! How good is that! Now I see why there are so many blogs and sites about personal experience of preparing GRE. It takes so much effort and cause so much frustration that it becomes indelible in one's life.
I feel like I am back in the 18-years-old days, but in a miserable way. That was the days when I spend more than 8 hours in the class, another 8 hours on taking all kinds of exams and tests. It's painful, hideous and becoming daily grind.
It's ironic that the first vocabulary on the GRE word book is "ABANDON". I am on the edge of giving it up every day. But somehow I manage to get myself back in to the game. No one says life's easy.
I am obdurate in many ways. I chose to take GRE, study oversea European history, and, apply for a PhD regardless of my diffidence of ability and uncertainty of the prospect of future academic life.
Great, now I'm applying the GRE vocabulary in my writing! How good is that! Now I see why there are so many blogs and sites about personal experience of preparing GRE. It takes so much effort and cause so much frustration that it becomes indelible in one's life.
Monday 18 June 2012
Thursday 14 June 2012
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