前度

我沒有特意去數日子，掐指一算，大概有將近四年了吧。四年。

四年可以改變的事情很多，不過人的個性大抵是那個樣子，都說了本性難移。好在都過去了的事這說長不長說短不短的時間倒是可以雲淡風輕水無痕，至少我是這麼想的，所以特別平靜，幾乎可以說是不帶著情緒。

原諒我沒辦法像是見到老朋友一般寒暄敘舊話家常。

回想起來我面對過去也是這樣的態度啊，冷冷淡淡的，看似清靜不擾於心，從另一個角度看，也像是束手無策，對不堪的過去和歷史都是這般無奈但是藏不住想要詮釋的蠢蠢欲動之心。

在我看來他就像是裝著過去那段日子的盒子，我沒有習慣時不時找出來回憶懷舊，偶爾看到了也沒有特別想要打開來，現在就像無意之間撞到了什麼，盒子裡的東西掉出來散落滿地一般。

過去就是過去，不會變哪，不論過多久。

令人驚訝的是，我居然還奢望，也許，再打開這個盒子的時候，會出現什麼不同。

背包

我記得陳奕迅好像有首跟背包有關的歌，想不起來歌詞，大抵是跟人生的情感包袱有關一類的事兒吧。

為了找出post-it和一支筆寫下剛剛查到的圖書館書籍編號，翻找了手邊的包，才發現裡面真是凌亂的可以，我不禁苦笑。

找不到筆，除了那個被我拿來裝電腦的破爛夾子和圍巾，只見牙刷、幾個散落的銅板、戲票還有幾根樹枝。

我到底過著什麼生活啊？真不是普通的一團混亂。

slowly turn

週日晚上坐在路邊吃著剛從台北火車站買來的水煎包，熱辣的我嘴唇發燙。來往的車水馬龍從左到右，衝向某一個或多個方向。owl city已經變成老歌的fireflies說有時候真的很難相信地球正在慢慢轉動。以每秒0.46公里的速度，每個人都在移動。而且還沒有聲音。creepy.

回台北的車上我將手機的錯誤日期調了過來，28日，今天是週日，不是週日。所以昨天已經完全的結束。

時間不可逆，不會重來，也不會倒退。


就跟人與人之間的情感和曾經有過的信任一樣，在緩慢龐大的時空移動下，破碎的髒污的腐壞的發餿的我想要修補的，都一樣回不去。

那些昨天。

perfume

My sister's back from Canada, finally.

She was unpacking and sorting all the stuff in her closet. "Did you take away my Kate Moss perfume?'

"I did." I made a face, out of a tiny little bit of guilt that I took the liberty of using it while she's away.

"It smell good and sexy, doesn't it?" she seemed to be quite all right with what I've done. That's strange. We used to get into a tiff or miff every time we're in this kind of situation.

"I think it suits single lady perfectly",  she replied with a sweet smile. "Keep it. I don't need it anyway." .


Was I just patronised?

Fun Do Bookstore

Another little independent bookstore near the university is closing down. The last open day is 11th Aug, this Sat. The poster says that they can no longer afford to run the bookstore for the rising rent and decreasing book buyers.
Years ago when my mother and I were strolling around the neighborhood after dinner, I suggested to go to a bookstore nearby.

"No. I don't have my purse with me," she said."That's quite alright," I don't think it a convincing reason not to pay a visit. "We could just hanging around there".

"No. I've got to take some books home every time I go to a bookstore," she insisted. "Otherwise they're gonna be out of business". 

What she did not tell is that, this would break her heart. Until today she still thinks to certain extent she shares responsibility of the closing down of "New Schoolmate Bookstore" nearby.

I'm just a poor student so I don't 'invest' into book business like mother does. All I do is borrowing books from the library instead of taking them home. However watching bookstores one by one shutting down their business breaks my heat as well. 

It pains me to imagine a city without bookstore.

台大後門那家「販讀」要關門了，就在8月11日，這個週末。他們說因為成本不敷考量，所以無法再撐下去了。

我想起以前跟張媽媽吃飽飯後一起散步時的對話。「諾貝爾書店就在附近，我們去看書好不好？」張媽媽說：「不行，我沒有帶錢包出門

。」「沒關係啊，去看看書就好。」

「不行，去書店一定要買書，要不然他們會倒。」張媽媽堅持道。

他沒說的是，書店倒了以後她會很傷心，就像多年前崇德路上的新學友

，直到現在她還是覺得新學友做不下去他有一點責任。

我比較窮，相對比較沒有責任感（？），但是無論如何，看著書店關門真的很令人傷心啊。

The best of us

The best of us can always find happiness in misery.

I really like the lyric from the Fall Out Boys' 'I don't care'.

It says a little bit about me. I can always find happiness in my own misery. I guess I am very much like a child in this light, for kids have no idea what misery is, all they do is try to have fun even when they don't really enjoy what they're undergoing or something annoying.

I'm in the middle of preparing the GRE so I spend most of time studying in the library. I'm prepare on my own and I don't have a comrade. Sometimes I don't have to talk to anyone other then the buffet clerk and my roommates. I have to admit loneliness is killing me at some moment. But it's alright. When having my lunching and dinner alone in the university refectory, I imagine myself invisible and then just observe the crowd and find someone particular and then start to fabricate stories for them.

The logical reasoning of the GRE is pretty troublesome. I find it rather depressing at the very beginning, but then I began to find pleasure in those readings. I could be an investigator in the cases! Although they're not as fun and thrilling as homicide or gun fight, I am happy to be the 'truth digger', revealing the ulterior intentions of the venal companies or reputing the prejudiced surveys conducted by the interest groups, struggling on behalf of the justice and order.

Another important part of GRE is its writing. It takes me a long time to get know that one has to be equipped a wide range of common sense and background knowledge to write a 6 score (the highest) essay around 1000 word count. For a non-native speaker like me, to be use impeccable wording without grammatical errors is a challenge in the first place, let along langue facility. Nevertheless, I still tried to find happiness in the painstaking task. After reading a couple of sample essays, I felt like I'm taking lessons to 'fight with pen'. The 'fallacy in argument' sections, in particular, makes me more aware of the understated assumption or unconvincing correlation behind every specious contention. This feels cool! Either in English or Chinese, I find it beneficial. As if I trained my self against evil with the super power of spotting the unusual.

As a history student, math is pain in the ass. Nine out ten history major would tell you they chose to study history because they're not good at calculating and geometry and algebra and that sort of vexing stuff. Even though I'm a 'supposedly-good-at-math' East Asian, and everyone in this country would tell you 'GRE math is so easy that you don't even bother waste time preparing for it', I got dispirited by the results constantly. So I started from scratch. It turned out to be not as hard and tough as I expected. And learning things that I used to know in a new way is rather fun.

I guess I just enjoy learning new things or pick up interesting stuff on the way, easily got inspired by others' ideas, and I take every challenge as a game.

See? I can always find happiness in misery. That's what keeps me going on.