Thursday, 15 December 2011
剛剛好 just fine
我的摩托車車廂的大小只能容納一頂安全帽，至多再塞一件雨衣和一副手套。前陣子多放了一頂，就得掛在車廂外。
雨天的時候總有一頂得淋雨，我想這樣對誰都不公平。
兩個太多，一個剛剛好。
It turns out that two is a bit too much for me.
雨天的時候總有一頂得淋雨，我想這樣對誰都不公平。
兩個太多，一個剛剛好。
It turns out that two is a bit too much for me.
Sunday, 11 September 2011
Ingrid Michaelson - Oh What A Day (Lyrics)
Oh how I miss you, Ingrid.
And a bunch of acoustic indie pop on lastfm as well. The Lastfm days somehow stand for the good old days in London--the one and only goal of my life was to complete my dissertation. Hateful, yet single-minded and so absorbed.
Life's so complicated and troubled and uncertained after graduated.
Monday, 1 August 2011
後記
她離開後還不到四十九天，我的生活照著正常的轉速運作，不過在某些時候還是隱隱覺得哀傷。我們都是。
可能，因為迅速地恢復了正常而感到哀傷也說不定。
我們分別在不同的時刻談起她，不經意地，片段殘缺地。倒也不是什麼樣的激動情緒，大抵是五毫克的淚在眼眶裡打轉那樣子的程度。
也許這就是她活在這個世界的方式吧，比較無痛的那種。至少我是這麼想的。
像是那種排山倒海般湧上的悲傷偶爾還是有的，對我來說必須是某些被提醒的時刻，特別是那些老梗式的生離死別電影片段對我來說特別有用，那些獨自面對死亡的惶恐焦慮和自以為被遺棄者的荒謬錯覺。
'We've never left.'
像這樣子的夢也是有的，我覺得很幸運，甚至因為這樣而有些沾沾自喜。夢裡她和大家一起，模糊地我還是可以感受到她的溫柔微笑。
就像她從未來離開一樣，這樣如浮光略影般的暖橘色夢境讓我安心而自在。
就像她從未來離開一樣。
49 days have not yet pass after she left. That's a folklore belief of the timing that the dead left this world. I wonder where she is now, constantly. My life goes back to normal rather fast, as if there's no time for grieving, no need for hesitation or any heartbreaking statement. I felt sad from time to time. All of us do.
It's probably because of the normality of everyday life that make us sad.
We talked about her, sometimes. I guess that the way she lives. 'We've never left. We're always here, in your mind.'
Cliche, but it explains a lot.
When I thought of her, most of the time I felt sad and then confused by my own sorrow. I wonder if it was grief of 'she's not here anymore', or simply self pity of being deserted. It remains unanswered for quite a while.
She was in my dream once. All I remember after I woke up is her weak smile. She's sitting in a chair with everyone. She's there, right there. And this fact, though lasting for a really short moment, makes me feel secure. As if she's never left.
可能，因為迅速地恢復了正常而感到哀傷也說不定。
我們分別在不同的時刻談起她，不經意地，片段殘缺地。倒也不是什麼樣的激動情緒，大抵是五毫克的淚在眼眶裡打轉那樣子的程度。
也許這就是她活在這個世界的方式吧，比較無痛的那種。至少我是這麼想的。
像是那種排山倒海般湧上的悲傷偶爾還是有的，對我來說必須是某些被提醒的時刻，特別是那些老梗式的生離死別電影片段對我來說特別有用，那些獨自面對死亡的惶恐焦慮和自以為被遺棄者的荒謬錯覺。
'We've never left.'
像這樣子的夢也是有的，我覺得很幸運，甚至因為這樣而有些沾沾自喜。夢裡她和大家一起，模糊地我還是可以感受到她的溫柔微笑。
就像她從未來離開一樣，這樣如浮光略影般的暖橘色夢境讓我安心而自在。
就像她從未來離開一樣。
49 days have not yet pass after she left. That's a folklore belief of the timing that the dead left this world. I wonder where she is now, constantly. My life goes back to normal rather fast, as if there's no time for grieving, no need for hesitation or any heartbreaking statement. I felt sad from time to time. All of us do.
It's probably because of the normality of everyday life that make us sad.
We talked about her, sometimes. I guess that the way she lives. 'We've never left. We're always here, in your mind.'
Cliche, but it explains a lot.
When I thought of her, most of the time I felt sad and then confused by my own sorrow. I wonder if it was grief of 'she's not here anymore', or simply self pity of being deserted. It remains unanswered for quite a while.
She was in my dream once. All I remember after I woke up is her weak smile. She's sitting in a chair with everyone. She's there, right there. And this fact, though lasting for a really short moment, makes me feel secure. As if she's never left.
Wednesday, 27 July 2011
「她沒有過的不好，只是現在靈魂有點不健康」
「別把自己想得太偉大了。」
我覺得我快要不能呼吸了。那個凌晨我從床上坐起沒有辦法入眠，全身安靜地顫抖混合著眼淚。
孤獨和沮喪，暫時性的，持續好一陣子的，侵蝕性的，將我的肉體逐步分解成最小的分子。
「最後會化成灰燼吧」，我想。
Chang (1985-2011)
幸好在全然分解消失以前那洪水總是沈不住氣地向某些地方滲透。那個中午當她提起她與另一個朋友的對話，「你啊，」簡單的說，「沒有過的不好，只是現在靈魂有點不健康，不是我們以前認識的那個人」。
所以其實結論是，「別把自己想得太偉大了。」
當慢跑時還可以一邊流汗，一邊想著「如果活著都不知道為了什麼，那維持健康的意義何在？」其實事情沒有這麼複雜，人生也沒有多麼了不起，「不需要太多理由的」。
這種說法好像也沒有辦法讓我有足夠的勇氣繼續呼吸，不過先前跳動的很勉強的心臟，好像也照樣地慢速地，不太情願的跳，一如往常。
下個禮拜去心臟內科掛個號好了。
我覺得我快要不能呼吸了。那個凌晨我從床上坐起沒有辦法入眠，全身安靜地顫抖混合著眼淚。
孤獨和沮喪，暫時性的，持續好一陣子的，侵蝕性的，將我的肉體逐步分解成最小的分子。
「最後會化成灰燼吧」，我想。
Chang (1985-2011)
幸好在全然分解消失以前那洪水總是沈不住氣地向某些地方滲透。那個中午當她提起她與另一個朋友的對話，「你啊，」簡單的說，「沒有過的不好，只是現在靈魂有點不健康，不是我們以前認識的那個人」。
所以其實結論是，「別把自己想得太偉大了。」
當慢跑時還可以一邊流汗，一邊想著「如果活著都不知道為了什麼，那維持健康的意義何在？」其實事情沒有這麼複雜，人生也沒有多麼了不起，「不需要太多理由的」。
這種說法好像也沒有辦法讓我有足夠的勇氣繼續呼吸，不過先前跳動的很勉強的心臟，好像也照樣地慢速地，不太情願的跳，一如往常。
下個禮拜去心臟內科掛個號好了。
Monday, 18 July 2011
How to tell if your cat attempts to murder you?
1. giving you a massage (it's actually to examine the weakness of your organs)
2. after using the litter tray, it messes all over (he's practicing how to properly BURY YOUR BODY)
3. eye contact: don't try to avoid looking at him in the eye, it's a sign of loser, meaning he'll attack you right after that
4. bring you dead animal: that's a WARNING, not a gift
5. plucking the grass: through the painful ritual of purification, he's preparing himself the battle against you
(to be continued)
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