Fun Do Bookstore

Another little independent bookstore near the university is closing down. The last open day is 11th Aug, this Sat. The poster says that they can no longer afford to run the bookstore for the rising rent and decreasing book buyers.
Years ago when my mother and I were strolling around the neighborhood after dinner, I suggested to go to a bookstore nearby.

"No. I don't have my purse with me," she said."That's quite alright," I don't think it a convincing reason not to pay a visit. "We could just hanging around there".

"No. I've got to take some books home every time I go to a bookstore," she insisted. "Otherwise they're gonna be out of business". 

What she did not tell is that, this would break her heart. Until today she still thinks to certain extent she shares responsibility of the closing down of "New Schoolmate Bookstore" nearby.

I'm just a poor student so I don't 'invest' into book business like mother does. All I do is borrowing books from the library instead of taking them home. However watching bookstores one by one shutting down their business breaks my heat as well. 

It pains me to imagine a city without bookstore.

台大後門那家「販讀」要關門了，就在8月11日，這個週末。他們說因為成本不敷考量，所以無法再撐下去了。

我想起以前跟張媽媽吃飽飯後一起散步時的對話。「諾貝爾書店就在附近，我們去看書好不好？」張媽媽說：「不行，我沒有帶錢包出門

。」「沒關係啊，去看看書就好。」

「不行，去書店一定要買書，要不然他們會倒。」張媽媽堅持道。

他沒說的是，書店倒了以後她會很傷心，就像多年前崇德路上的新學友

，直到現在她還是覺得新學友做不下去他有一點責任。

我比較窮，相對比較沒有責任感（？），但是無論如何，看著書店關門真的很令人傷心啊。

The best of us

The best of us can always find happiness in misery.

I really like the lyric from the Fall Out Boys' 'I don't care'.

It says a little bit about me. I can always find happiness in my own misery. I guess I am very much like a child in this light, for kids have no idea what misery is, all they do is try to have fun even when they don't really enjoy what they're undergoing or something annoying.

I'm in the middle of preparing the GRE so I spend most of time studying in the library. I'm prepare on my own and I don't have a comrade. Sometimes I don't have to talk to anyone other then the buffet clerk and my roommates. I have to admit loneliness is killing me at some moment. But it's alright. When having my lunching and dinner alone in the university refectory, I imagine myself invisible and then just observe the crowd and find someone particular and then start to fabricate stories for them.

The logical reasoning of the GRE is pretty troublesome. I find it rather depressing at the very beginning, but then I began to find pleasure in those readings. I could be an investigator in the cases! Although they're not as fun and thrilling as homicide or gun fight, I am happy to be the 'truth digger', revealing the ulterior intentions of the venal companies or reputing the prejudiced surveys conducted by the interest groups, struggling on behalf of the justice and order.

Another important part of GRE is its writing. It takes me a long time to get know that one has to be equipped a wide range of common sense and background knowledge to write a 6 score (the highest) essay around 1000 word count. For a non-native speaker like me, to be use impeccable wording without grammatical errors is a challenge in the first place, let along langue facility. Nevertheless, I still tried to find happiness in the painstaking task. After reading a couple of sample essays, I felt like I'm taking lessons to 'fight with pen'. The 'fallacy in argument' sections, in particular, makes me more aware of the understated assumption or unconvincing correlation behind every specious contention. This feels cool! Either in English or Chinese, I find it beneficial. As if I trained my self against evil with the super power of spotting the unusual.

As a history student, math is pain in the ass. Nine out ten history major would tell you they chose to study history because they're not good at calculating and geometry and algebra and that sort of vexing stuff. Even though I'm a 'supposedly-good-at-math' East Asian, and everyone in this country would tell you 'GRE math is so easy that you don't even bother waste time preparing for it', I got dispirited by the results constantly. So I started from scratch. It turned out to be not as hard and tough as I expected. And learning things that I used to know in a new way is rather fun.

I guess I just enjoy learning new things or pick up interesting stuff on the way, easily got inspired by others' ideas, and I take every challenge as a game.

See? I can always find happiness in misery. That's what keeps me going on.

讓我一醒來就流淚的曾太太

今天早上醒來，喉嚨好痛。打開臉書，我的大學好友說，她剛剛戴上戒指，準備成為曾太太了。


我好開心，忍不住激動得哭了。
曾經看著她戀愛、失戀痛哭、難以割捨、在愛情前猶豫、再度陷入愛情、幸福、兩個人一起規劃未來。


看著這麼好的女孩經歷這些，我也曾經跟著她難過、氣憤、擔心。那男孩出現後，我慢慢確定她被好好的呵護著、疼惜著，我想我可以相信那傢伙。


我愛你，好姐妹。我為你開心。

wedding photos

昨天和今天的三十八度八快要灼燒我的眼球。

參與拍婚紗是一件很奇妙的事情。不知道從什麼時候開始可以每週在臉書上看到的不同場景的不同姿勢的不同色彩的朋友的朋友的婚紗照，那像是形式化的過程在我的好朋友身上，我看到幸福。即使是三十八度的高溫下依然可以相視而笑的幸福。真好。

好熱。

昨天晚上睡前傳了個簡訊給我的室友，告訴她我很希望可以看到她幸福的穿白紗的樣子。人生苦短，我希望看到她多數的時間是幸福的不是忍耐着硬撐著的。

今天在圖書館遇到雅文，剛剛恢復單身的她說她會努力在一年內閃婚，我說好吧可是我怕地點不在台灣我參加不到。好吧無論在哪裡我都會到。她穿婚紗的樣子不知道為什麼不會難想象。她血液裡本來就有貴族的養分。

上嘉的話可能會被那一層一層的裙子淹沒。

艾爸何時跟芷寧結婚呢？我也很期待。

I take it as a privilege to become part of the wedding photo shooting of my friend Vivian. Although the weather is unbearably scorching and sultry. 38.8 degrees under cloudless sky. 

To be honost, I was rather cynical and, probably a bit acidulous about her marriage at first. I guess I was just afraid that I might lose one of my best friends forever. 

But all my doubts casted away when I saw their happy face during the photo shooting. Despite the hot weather, tiers of wedding gown and restless posing, they could just smile, effortlessly, at each other. 

I am happy, with all my heart, for her,

secularisation

早上的胃口比以往還要差很多，大概是幾個月沒有安穩睡覺的關係。

以緩慢速度進食的時候，我想起前天我們徹夜聊天的晚上，我感覺像是找回了一個曾經陌生的好友，同時也有點不安。

我說，工作的這兩年，在我身上有很深的影響，有好有壞。

簡單來說，我變得比較像個人。

比起專注於道理，我似乎投入更多心力在把事情完成，過程中也得同入更多的力氣在各種人的情緒，自己那些多餘的情緒，還有身邊的人的情緒。

「處理好事情之前，得處理好別人的情緒，處理好別人的情緒之前，得處理好自己的情緒」。我時時提醒自己。

「如果你工作兩年學到最重要的道理就是這個，那真的很不好」我記得我們艾爸爸如是說。

「但實際上這就是世界運作的方式啊。」她說。

收拾了求學時期對真理的固執和強硬，開始去想像，當我無奈地認為「為什麼大家不好好把事情做好就好了呢」的時候，每一個背後的想法。我告訴自己不能去合理化那些似是而非的想法，但是也不能因為不認同就當做那些考慮不存在，如果我真的想把事情完成的話，我得站在他們的立場。

而立場也不是只有善與惡這兩種分別，有太多灰色地帶（而顯然這些絕對不是純白色）。

同時我也發現，快樂真的很難。雖然快樂不應該是終極的追求，但是這世界上絕大多數的人是無法深刻思考對錯，甚至無法追求理性的價值判斷的。如果是這樣的話，我更希望他們快樂地活著。


這些都是讓我更像一個人的原因。世俗化，大眾化，對自己的平凡也開始淡然。那是遠離了上帝的靈魂。


好的方面是，也許我更貼近他們的真實人生，也許我更瞭解這個世界的實際運作方式。
壞的方面是，我變得不純粹。而且我找不回來那個純粹的我，對於不公正不公義沒道理的事情會忿忿不平的我。


而且更糟糕的是，我居然保留了尖酸刻薄的個性，那些失控的不滿的忌妒的失落的，更加欲蓋彌彰。

GRE

NO, THIS IS NOT A ARTICLE ABOUT "HOW TO STUDY GRE".
I am just grumbling. 

There's a fine line between perseverance and obduracy.

 And apparently I live in the confusion of the two. by Yi

Studying for GRE is a total nightmare. When I started to memorize the vocabulary by sorting and collecting all the related ones, I actually thought it was fun. It's a bit quirky but I do enjoy learning new vocabulary and I take this as a good chance to learn English in a new light. But then here comes the real test. I felt so despondent after failing series of questions...


I feel like I am back in the 18-years-old days, but in a miserable way. That was the days when I spend more than 8 hours in the class, another 8 hours on taking all kinds of exams and tests. It's painful, hideous and becoming daily grind.


It's ironic that the first vocabulary on the GRE word book is "ABANDON". I am on the edge of giving it up every day. But somehow I manage to get myself back in to the game. No one says life's easy. 


I am obdurate in many ways. I chose to take GRE, study oversea European history, and, apply for a PhD regardless of my diffidence of ability and uncertainty of the prospect of future academic life.


Great, now I'm applying the GRE vocabulary in my writing! How good is that! Now I see why there are so many blogs and sites about personal experience of preparing GRE. It takes so much effort and cause so much frustration that it becomes indelible in one's life.